The Mend

A few months ago, before the avalanche, in a month most of us call April, things were going really good with me. I was happy. I was a non-philadering vegan. I felt good physically, mentally, and spiritually. I was happy at work. I might as well have been Rose on the bow of the Titanic, standing high, sailing through life with joy and enthusiasm, unknowingly with a huge disaster headed right for me.

And then there was May. June. And Black July. I guess we all have those periods of our life where other people carry us. The times when we don't recognize our own face, our own voice, our own handwriting...when the things we write don't make any sense...when you say and do things that are not easily explainable. I have finally come to terms with the concept of self-forgiveness, and the idea that coming out on the other side of challenges make me a better human being. There, I said it.

The night of Gene and I's birthday party was so fantastic. Everyone I love the very most was there. And yet, as the night wore on, I found myself, against everyone's better judgement, sending a text message.

I have always thought of myself as a very cold person. I detach fairly easily from most situations, I constantly expect people to disappoint me, and I find myself to be the most disappointing. I am terrified of what small amount of beauty I have fading away as I age because I don't think that I will be worth anything when it's totally gone.

And when it's gone, ultimately, there isn't a very good or interesting person left.

In this one situation, though, I need forgiveness from this person that I have tried so hard to be angry at. I've tried to be angry so I don't care. So I'm not aware of how horrible I've been. I need forgiveness.

But I'm not going to berate myself anymore, or apologize for giving it a shot, to try my best to trust another human being. I may be easily disposable to most people, but at least now I'm used to it.

One of my friends sent me this e-mail the other day--the ones where if you don't forward it something terrible could happen to you (bring it on, e-mail gods) and it was a bunch of kind of karmic suggestions. One of them said, "love someone more than you need them." I still haven't sorted out what that means, but I don't think I'm very love-capable anyway.

I want to be, so badly.